Nine months ago, my psychologist recommended I go on antidepressants. I was numb. Detached. Passively watching the world fade in and out of focus. I lived in the spaces between panic attacks, and my disordered behaviors around food and training intensified. I was claustrophobic, trapped inside a version of myself I no longer recognized. Since…Read more Coming Home
I am an active woman. At any weight. HGTV hummed in the background and a stack of gossip magazines were lazily stacked on the table next to me. My hands rested on my lap, tightly woven together. Thumbs anxiously pressed against each other, I hummed to myself. A combination of Beyoncé and Sylvan Esso circulated…Read more I am an active woman. At any weight.
My first-ever run was on a hot summer afternoon at sixth grade cross-country practice. I hated it. Every afternoon I purposely ran on roots, sticks, and uneven ground hoping I would trip, fall, break an ankle, and never have to run again. I quit the team within two weeks. Three months later, I was watching…Read more Lighting the Flame
NEDAwareness Week Day 7: Welcome to the Ninth Lane I wanted gloves. It was a cold Saturday morning when we came together, and my fingers were pressed tightly within my thin sleeves. Jacket gloves, some would say. We were meeting by a nearby trail, a good friend of mine and a new friend. She was…Read more NEDA Week Day 7: Lane 9, a Project
NEDAwareness Week Day 6: Silencing the Internal Critic When I originally embarked on sharing my story, I thought I was in a place where I could separate myself from who I used to be – detach my present identity from this battle that consumed the greater part of my adolescence. I envisioned a polished essay…Read more NEDA Week Day 6: Today
NEDAwareness Week Day 5: Asking for Help It was 9 p.m. on a Wednesday somewhere in the middle of Kansas. I scrolled through the pale pink web page, eyes squinting in my phone’s harsh light. I was partway through a cross-country drive, eventually landing in San Diego, Calif. for a summer internship. I was also…Read more NEDA Week Day 5: Treatment
NEDAwareness Week Day 4: Defining an Eating Disorder The room smelled familiar – like antiseptic soap and one too many sprays of Febreeze. I shifted on the table, wincing as the paper scratched against the cheap leather. I had just finished another round of the Gardasil vaccine and inquired about remedies for dry skin – my…Read more NEDA Week Day 4: Eating Disorder, defined