Nine months ago, my psychologist recommended I go on antidepressants. I was numb. Detached. Passively watching the world fade in and out of focus. I lived in the spaces between panic attacks, and my disordered behaviors around food and training intensified. I was claustrophobic, trapped inside a version of myself I no longer recognized. Since…Read more Coming Home
I heaved a harsh, dark inhale and dug my nails into my straining quads. The air was crisp, but not quite cold enough to see my breath. The bare tree branches above me met, creaking a soft hello into the empty space between them. I was alone. My vision blurred, and flecks of darkness interrupted…Read more Into the Empty Spaces
I am an active woman. At any weight. HGTV hummed in the background and a stack of gossip magazines were lazily stacked on the table next to me. My hands rested on my lap, tightly woven together. Thumbs anxiously pressed against each other, I hummed to myself. A combination of Beyoncé and Sylvan Esso circulated…Read more I am an active woman. At any weight.
My first-ever run was on a hot summer afternoon at sixth grade cross-country practice. I hated it. Every afternoon I purposely ran on roots, sticks, and uneven ground hoping I would trip, fall, break an ankle, and never have to run again. I quit the team within two weeks. Three months later, I was watching…Read more Lighting the Flame
NEDAwareness Week Day 7: Welcome to the Ninth Lane I wanted gloves. It was a cold Saturday morning when we came together, and my fingers were pressed tightly within my thin sleeves. Jacket gloves, some would say. We were meeting by a nearby trail, a good friend of mine and a new friend. She was…Read more NEDA Week Day 7: Lane 9, a Project
NEDAwareness Week Day 6: Silencing the Internal Critic When I originally embarked on sharing my story, I thought I was in a place where I could separate myself from who I used to be – detach my present identity from this battle that consumed the greater part of my adolescence. I envisioned a polished essay…Read more NEDA Week Day 6: Today
NEDAwareness Week Day 5: Asking for Help It was 9 p.m. on a Wednesday somewhere in the middle of Kansas. I scrolled through the pale pink web page, eyes squinting in my phone’s harsh light. I was partway through a cross-country drive, eventually landing in San Diego, Calif. for a summer internship. I was also…Read more NEDA Week Day 5: Treatment